Things can't be different.

You know what's hard? Being a beginner. I don't mean starting is hard or the beginning steps of a project. I mean, being an adult and feeling like a child as you work on something you're not skilled at.

Impostor Syndrome - you never seem to be able to know it all, but imagine you could.

Imagine your grandma - as she tries to poke at today's touch screens on her mobile phone. Her poor, little, boney fingers are nearly breaking through the glass, but her cool skin isn't keeping contact enough to activate the sensors. "Slow down grandma, give it a warm touch." you say. At the same time, the 4-year old across the room is swiping up and down while drawing, or quickly tapping through the boring parts of a YouTube video. Nobody makes grandma feel bad, though it is kinda funny.

We can't know everything. If you want something different in life, you have to go get it. Nobody will show up and do your exercise --- even if they could. Nobody will get through YOUR learning curve. That's on you. Better to just re-frame your thinking.

Instead of thinking: "Why am I not better at this?"

try a different thought: "Am I willing to humble myself and have a beginner's mind?"

With the proper beginner's mind, you can be curious and methodical in your examination of the new material. You can move slowly. Your output will match your experience, but it couldn't be any other way. 

In summary - you're doing the best you can -- at all times. Embrace curiosity and ignore the need for speed or thoughts of how things could be different; they can't. Things can only be how they are in any given moment. To think they could or should be different will drive you insane.
I love your post in Lifelog arguing that humbleness actually leads to you sharing your work in public rather than holding it off. Because it takes humility to share your work when it's not yet great. Hilariously this is usually the fastest path to creating something close to great.

talked about 'the greatest privilege' and I'd like to point out one of the greatest privileges one can have here. The way we were raised influences the association we have with beginner mode. If you had an upbringing that made you feel like an imposter then you'll probably feel less comfortable in beginner mode. If you had an upbringing that made you value the feeling of curiosity then you'll like being in this mode. The latter is a great privilege
2021-01-13 18:00:47