Never let a holiday go to waste

On May 30, the US celebrates Memorial Day. This day is ostensibly to honor those who made the ultimate sacrifice fighting for the freedoms we have in our country. In reality, most people just care about the three-day weekend. This year, I've extended mine to a six-day weekend. Also, marketing departments will never let a holiday go to waste. My inbox has already been flooded with "Memorial Day Blowouts!"

So now is the perfect time to review a consumer's view of your discounts. Don't insult me with a 5% discount. A 5% discount is not even worth the extra processing my brain does to determine if it's worth it. On a large purchase like a car or a house, 5% makes a big difference. For the rest of your piddly wares, 5% is not only insignificant but also a slap in the face.

The next category (and probably the most common) is a 10% discount. While this figure is easier to calculate, it's still a paltry discount. I mean, five dollars off a $50 item? If it's something I'm already planning to buy anyway, sure I'll take the discount. Otherwise, I don't even get out of bed in the morning for 10%.

Remember the game you played as a kid where someone hid something and gave you clues as you stumbled around to find it? You're getting warmer...Well, 15% is getting warmer. It's still not a great discount. Most people are familiar with calculating 15% because that used to be the standard amount for a tip. Somehow, I'm hearing the service industry squawk about a minimum 20% or 25% tip. I don't mind tipping extra for excellent service. In fact, I've become a much better tipper as I've gotten older. But customers should not be making up the difference because employers are too cheap to pay employees properly. This is especially true after the last two years of dealing with Everyone's Favorite Virus™️ and people not wanting to return to work.

Finally, we reached a discount that I will pay attention to--20%. This one is probably the second most common after 10%. I'd say $20 off a $100 purchase is a decent discount. It's not a guarantee that I will be nudged into a purchase that I wasn't planning to make, but you had my curiosity and now you have my attention.

The sweet spot for discounts is between 25-50%. These are the discounts that get my attention, although you have to be careful to avoid trickery. I'll get an email stating "up to 50% off," and then I see that you have to buy six or more items or some threshold of dollars to get the full discount. Legit discounts of 30-50% will nudge me into a purchase I would not otherwise have made.

I am immediately suspicious of any discount above 50%. These discounts are common for digital products such as software and courses. They show you the "retail price" and claim you are getting a 90% discount, but it's a "limited time offer!" Buy this lifetime subscription to the Excel Power User bundle, a $999 value, yours for only a one-time price of $19.99. Often times the retail price and supposed value of the product(s) are made up. If they are legit, why are the prices so high in the first place?? Stop playing games. Just tell me your price, and I'll determine whether it's a fair value. It's like these infomercials selling products "not available in stores" yet they show you a retail price to demonstrate all the value you're getting from a "reduced price." If I can't buy it for the retail price anywhere, then that price is just made up. 

This brings me to the ultimate discount--100%--otherwise known as "free." Some retailers love playing fast and loose with the word "free" while others don't even use the word at all. Take the buy-one, get-one promotion abbreviated as BOGO. You buy one of an item, you get a second item (for free). You're not really getting anything for free because you still have to pay for something. If you buy an item for $10 and you get a second item, instead of paying $20 you pay $10. This promotion is just a disguised 50% discount. I'm not quibbling with the discount but rather the subterfuge. 

Let's talk about a true abuse of the word "free." I've received multiple emails informing me that I won a drawing I never entered and my gift is a "free" book. All I have to do is pay $9.95 for "shipping and handling." I understand the shipping charge, but what's this handling? Isn't that the cost of doing business? That should be built into the price of a product. But wait, it's FREE. A "free" book where you have to pay $9.95 is a book for $9.95. That's not free. 

So retailers, I know it's a dog-eat-dog world out there. If you survived the pandemic, you're just trying to make up for lost revenue. I get it. You're doing anything you can to grab those greasy twenties from my grubby hands. Cash is still king. Does anyone have any crypto left to waste on pointless NFTs? I hear some are going for 90% off.