Inspired by phaidenbauer's recent post about toilet behavior, I decided to dust off some unpublished writing that I did on this topic a couple of years ago. If you have never been in a men's room and want to remain blissfully unaware, feel free to skip this one.
A friend of mine used to have a coworker whose last name is Beaver. This coworker had a habit of taking 30-minute shits at work and he was proud of it. This happened so often that anyone taking a particularly long time in the restroom was said to be “pulling a beaver.” Variations include “need to beaver,” “beavering,” and “fire beaver” for the post-Thai movements.
People say always wash your hands after using the restroom. I wash my hands before using the restroom. I mean who knows where these hands have been, and if I’m about to touch the King’s scepter and jewels, I insist on clean hands. Then after the business is done no need to wash my hands again because I just washed them.
I have an old acquaintance who was fond of entering a men’s room and immediately shouting in a booming voice, “Is this where all the dicks hang out??” He was gay by the way, which makes it even funnier.
The approach to the urinal is based on the number of urinals and which ones are occupied. In general, you want to avoid standing immediately next to someone already at a urinal.
Let’s talk about one’s stance at a urinal starting with distance.
Standing so close to the urinal so as to form a semi-yin yang shape of protruding belly that fills the concavity of the urinal. Presumably, chaps who use this stance are self-conscious about the size of their dicks and are doing everything to prevent anyone else from seeing their paltry manhood.
Standing very far away from the urinal, presumably done by cocksure men who are attempting to avoid any splashback from the urinal. I have seen this stance used by someone in the first urinal position, which almost required a limbo underneath an arching stream of piss just to get to the next available urinal.
Even if someone is standing at an appropriate distance in front of a urinal, there is also the method of standing of which I have seen many variations.
The standard method with both hands down in front to provide aim
One hand down in front for aim, other hand holding up shorts/pants that are falling down without a belt to hold them up
One hand down in front for aim, the other hand pushed against the wall for balance assistance/support
Both hands pushed against the wall for balance assistance/support
Both arms at sides allowing a freewheeling stream (common stance used by older men)
Pants/shorts/underwear pulled all the way down to ankles (common stance used by toddlers)
One hand holding a phone, the other hand operating the phone thereby allowing a freewheeling stream (common stance used by douchebags)
The proper protocol when standing at a urinal is to avoid eye contact and face forward or down at all times. Conversation is allowed but should be brief. Any topic used to be fair game, but nowadays people pretend to be too easily offended. Stick with non-controversial topics such as the weather (except climate change) unless you know the person.
Splashback is a concern and becomes obvious if one is wearing short pants or light tan or gray pants. Splashback varies depending on the height and concavity of the urinal, whether there is a screen or urinal cake that helps with absorption, and the robustness of the stream.
Thanks to modern technology most urinals self flush. The older models that have a handle or button should be avoided. If you encounter a urinal that does not self flush, there are really two options: to flush or not to flush. If you are in a public restroom that you will likely never visit again, some would argue it is perfectly acceptable not to flush. If you are at a work restroom, this could be a risky maneuver because eventually you will be caught and have to face coworkers. In addition, no guy wants to walk up to a urinal that has recently been used and still contains some asshole’s urea, chloride, sodium, and potassium ions, especially if that asshole had asparagus for lunch or dinner. For those people washing hands after doing the business, go ahead and push the button/pull the lever.
phaidenbauer
