I suffer your same habit of avoiding others when feeling down. I also share your realization that it's precisely when people come to us in their vulnerability that we actually learn about their self rather than being blinded by their image.
My primary reason for avoiding others while I'm down has always been insecurity. When I feel good I can project myself anyway I want. Sometimes it's a truthful image, sometimes it's not. But always when I'm feeling up I can convince myself that it is truthful.
When negativity takes me over, it's almost as if there is a spiritual allergy weighing me down. I lose this ability to project myself at will and to justify myself through self narration except for one narration. I tell myself that I'm not actually like this and that I will wait until I'm back up to reach out to people again.
When I was younger I used to tell myself that I did this because I didn't want to bother other people. I've only recently been able to realize and accept that it had nothing to do with others'. It had everything to do with upholding an image I had of myself. I didn't want to be seen in a context where I wasn't on par with that image.
It's ironic because like we both just said, anytime a person in our life has reached out to us in a moment of vulnerability, actually acting vulnerable, I've never felt like judging them them. If anything I admired their honesty, their courage. Saw it as strength rather than weakness. And yet I still live like someone would judge me if I were to do the same. And I'm not wrong in that because I will be the one judging myself. For destroying an image of me.
My primary reason for avoiding others while I'm down has always been insecurity. When I feel good I can project myself anyway I want. Sometimes it's a truthful image, sometimes it's not. But always when I'm feeling up I can convince myself that it is truthful.
When negativity takes me over, it's almost as if there is a spiritual allergy weighing me down. I lose this ability to project myself at will and to justify myself through self narration except for one narration. I tell myself that I'm not actually like this and that I will wait until I'm back up to reach out to people again.
When I was younger I used to tell myself that I did this because I didn't want to bother other people. I've only recently been able to realize and accept that it had nothing to do with others'. It had everything to do with upholding an image I had of myself. I didn't want to be seen in a context where I wasn't on par with that image.
It's ironic because like we both just said, anytime a person in our life has reached out to us in a moment of vulnerability, actually acting vulnerable, I've never felt like judging them them. If anything I admired their honesty, their courage. Saw it as strength rather than weakness. And yet I still live like someone would judge me if I were to do the same. And I'm not wrong in that because I will be the one judging myself. For destroying an image of me.
Thanks for sharing!