But she was still depressed. So she looked back again hoping for other reasons for her failure. With each recall she could't find anything unrelated to herself and her mental state.
How did other people manage to do things? She wanted every morning to do nothing but lay in bed. To be able to just close her eyes and return to slumber. To be filled with dreams again.
But no matter how low her emotions went, she could never stay in bed all day. Usually it was her job that got her up. Late better than never. On her days off she always had a list of errands to run. Once she was out of bed, dressed, and driving around in her car with the music on, she would actually feel for moments enjoyment of how she was passing time. She would no longer be that version of herself that just wanted to cuddle deeper into the comforters.
Day and night. How did moods shift like so? she wondered as she parked the car in front of a large brick wall with a mural painted on it. She was a little early. The walk to the
cafe
would take about 10 minutes or so, and they weren't slated to met for another 20. Today she was meeting a woman from her support group. She was a bit pushey about meeting, but Imogen didn't mind. She knew she should get out of the house and talk to people more anyways.
Nobody in her
support group
knew where she lived. Imogen didn't want to divulge the fact she didn't live in
Westcity
. So when the woman suggested a cafe all the way out here for their meeting spot on her day off from work she agreed.
The woman didn't drink coffee. Was trying to limit her caffeine. Instead she drunk
white tea
. Imogen got that to try as well. It was nice. Subtle.
They chatted about a lot of things. The woman was good at getting Imogen to speak about her personal life. She usually didn't talk this much about herself, but soon the woman was getting her to share her excitement about moving in to an apartment with Mikayla right here downtown.
"Ah and so will you be going to school too, then?"
She had taken the idea right out of her mouth.
"Yes. I guess so." Imogen said. Then she added, "I'm kind of scared."
"Of what?"
"I didn't do well my first time. I actually ended up dropping out after just two semesters."
The woman listened, without saying anything. Gave cues that it was okay to continue.
"I was planning to return to school sophomore year even though I had no desire or business doing so. I was either flunking my classes or doing poorly in them. C minus grades and stuff like that. I had no clue what I would do with that degree even if I got one. Who is going to want to hire a girl with like a 2.7
GPA
right?
"Going into the first year had felt better. There had been a plan at least. I would take classes for a year, and then use that to get into a decent school like State. And then once I was in I might take another year of classes at CC to save some money on the cheaper tuition. But after my first semester I knew that was going to be impossible.
"I mean I even knew that this plan was going off the rails just two weeks into that first semester. It was a miserable fall. I suddenly wanted to be back in high school again. Not literally back in the building and taking classes, but being on the other side of this life. Where things look possible and life isn't just an all predetermined shit. Anyways, I was a mess in terms of what I claimed I wanted to do. I kind of just followed in my sister's footsteps and told myself and everybody else around me that I wanted to be a
graphic designer
. Who knows, maybe I would've made a good one had I given myself the chance to take school a bit more serious and not have flunked out."
The two of them talked more about Imogen's run at school. The woman had some questions. It felt nice to talk about this with her. She was a good listener.
"So I'm scared that this time around it'll be the same thing. That's why I'm going to start out part time. See how that goes."
"I doubt you'll make the same mistakes this time. It sounds like you've grown so much in the past few years."
"I have grown into someone else. But I don't know if I'd call it growth."
"That's how it often feels. Don't sweat it, girl. So you said you and your friend are moving into an apartment here right?"
"Yes. It's actually near by here. I drove up to see you and also to see the place."
The woman smiled and said it was exciting. Imogen rarely grew excited for much these days but she agreed that for this she was excited.
VI.
Imogen was okay just moving into the apartment with Mikayla without looking at it. But Mikayla insisted that Imogen go see it in person before "deciding". Imogen understood. Mikayla was the type of person who liked it when everybody did their due diligence. No reason for people to agree to things prematurely and get into sticky situations.
In that way Imogen imagined that Mikayla must've been hurt in the past. Because most the girls that age didn't think twice about who their roommates were going to be so long as they thought that they were just pretty enough to attract other cute boys, but not too pretty that they would take the boys away from them. It was a balancing act of attraction and pack travelling. Imogen hated that shit.
This is why she probably got along with Mikayla. She never felt like she had to play that girley friend part around her.
The apartment was on the third floor of an unassuming brick building. Imogen had walked past it many times in the past never having noticed it.
"So what do you think?" the landlord asked.
"It's wonderful."
"I don't know about that." the landlord smiled. "But it is quite nice. Mikayla says you're thinking about going to school. Says you run a cafe right now?"
Imogen was surprised by how much the landlord knew.
"Don't worry. I'm not a spy. I'm just a talkative person and apparently so is Mikayla. Anyways I hope things work out. Would love to have you as a tenant along with her."
Imogen looked out the window to see what her view might be come this fall if she were to live here. Imagining her life here was whimsical compared to the current view she had at her dad's, where she would always have the blinds closed so that people couldn't look in, even though they lived out in the middle of nowhere. This third story window made her feel safe. Like she could walk around in here and look outside at the people downtown, without them being able to look into her. She couldn't wait. She could sit here and do her homework and have
tea
and coffee with Mikayla and some tims they would throw dinner parties. Why hadn't she moved downtown years ago?