For years after I wanted to write my own novel I never wrote outside periods where I felt inspired by a recent read. Now that enough time has passed I can laugh at this fact. I guess during those years I never actually wanted to write something of my own. I would be living life unconcerned with writing, although telling people that that was my ambition, until a piece of fiction struck me, leaving me with a single thought, I need to have that! Not only as a reader, but as a writer. I wanted to be the person who wrote something like that. 

It's no surprise I could never write anything of my own. I wrote things that were no better than botched carbon copies of the works I'd admired. But I couldn't write anything meaningful if I was trying to copy somebody else. It's like I wasn't an agent. I was simply a container to inject this other writer's story and perspective into. And it never worked out to be anything.

During this phase I was obsessed with originality. So I made sure to throttle the amount I was copying, which I think is a clear indication that a lot of copying is happening. Because if you are being true to yourself and simply stealing this and that from others' you'll never feel the self conscious need to throttle yourself in this way. 

What I should've done during this phases was to not take myself so seriously. To consider myself as not some wunderkind but rather an average person wishing to write. Then I could've just allowed myself to use copying as the great educational tool that it is. I could've saved probably saved myself years of poor writing habits. If you're reading this hopefully you can either relate to this and get a laugh, or be wiser and not suffer this path.