The first thing I did after hanging up was drive out to the ravine. Jesse and I didn't come here often. But when we talked about ourselves with other people we made it sound like we always came out here. Matter of fact, we didn't hang out much at all.

Yet everybody thought we were the best of 

friends

. Or at least we just thought that about ourselves and never actually took time to consider how other people saw us.

At the ravine birds of prey flew around slow, taking their time, not exerting energy. Their broad wings allowed them to glide around as though they were hovering. It was the middle of the day so there weren't many people there. I could only spot one old man walking in the ravine.

Staring out into that expanse I could still pretend that I would run into Jesse again. All I would need to do was text her. I'd ask when she could grab a coffee and she would exclaim how she never knew I was even in town.

We spoke infrequently enough that it would take a while for me to finally really realize that she was gone.

When I returned from the Ravine I listened to what used to be our favorite album back in high school. 

Death Cab for Cutie

... We have the facts and we're voting yes.

I hadn't even listened to it fully when I told her she should listen to it. I had read some 

Pitchfork

review, looked at the cover, and listened to a single song. When the tune hit me, it coincided with my emotions and how I felt about the myself. And something about that cover art and the album title. All of those details came together for me that I took out my flip phone and texted Jesse that she needed to listen to this. "Okay" she had said and a : )

In high school I'd go to

Westcity

for things I considered bigger than our town.

The weekend after discovering that Death Cab album, I drove up to Westcity looking to buy the

vinyl

. The only record store I knew of didn't have it. Instead I spent more of my time listening to my 

iPod

while walking around and stopping into the 

bookstore

to drink coffee and skim through books.

Before it got too dark I drove back home in time for a party that I was not too excited about. The only thing I was looking forward to was the fact that Jesse would be there. But all of my other friends, I was not interested in seeing. I had become disillusioned with the entire friend circle by that point, in fact disillusioned by everything in high school. I think Jesse was the only person I still liked.

And damn didn't I like her too much. My obsession filled those days with a strange energy. Can't say it was a good feeling, but it felt very alive. I don't think she felt the same way about me, but I was too consumed by my feelings that I couldn't imagine how she felt. Of course I was wondering if she liked me, but not because I was imagining if she liked me. Rather because I needed her to like me.

We were supposed to be applying to colleges at the time. Previously that had felt important. Then I had two classes with Jesse. One in the morning. Another in the late afternoon. Made me salivate like 

Pavlov's Dogs

seeing her twice, equally spaced out like that.

I couldn't pay attention in class at all. I didn't know how I was going to get decent grades. And I didn't even give a shit actually. All I wanted was her. Nobody knew. People made fun of us. Mocking us like kids used to do through songs such as Johny and Jane sitting in a tree... k - i - s - s - i - n - g. The high school version of this was less sing song and more explicit. Snickers of 'dreams' that somebody had where the two of us would be having sex. I didn't even know if these dreams actually happened or if my friends were just fucking with me. But it was enough to drive me mad.

In fact I think the one who 'dreamed' about us doing it was actually the one who liked Jesse. There was no way he liked her more than me of course, but if you were to ask people they would suspect him as being the one who liked her not me. I think that's part of the reason why most people joked about me and Jesse. You don't joke about things that might be serious. You joke when it's obviously.. well a joke.

That guy who everybody did think liked Jesse, including me, was this asshole named Kyle.