Victoria slept just four or five hours a night. She knew this was unsustainable but it was the only way she could both provide for herself and Cameron while also taking classes. One day she would be able to make 70 or 80 thousand dollars a year and she wouldn't be rich but she wouldn't need to worry about paying rent. Wouldn't need to worry about having the car break down and being unable to pay for it. Wouldn't need to survive on less than six hours of

sleep

a night.

But until she had the accreditation she needed to become a nurse she would have to suffer like this. But until then this would be her life. Hypothetical scenarios haunted her. Like how much further along she would be had she had a husband to support her. Or if she had been born to a well off family that could support her. Or had she just not had a kid. Life would be so much easier. More doable rather than it feeling like trying to swim with cement tied to her feet. But this is what her life was. She felt ashamed for imagining life without her baby boy Cameron. A good mother wouldn't think that way, she would tell herself. But she wasn't a good mother. Even though everybody would tell her she was, including herself.

But you only say things that aren't true. If something is true it doesn't need to be said. We as 

anxious

creatures repeat statements trying to console ourselves into believing untruths. Just keep repeating. "I am a BLANK" over and over again. Visualize into reality. "I am a good mother." she would tell herself over and over again. She would be repeating this into the small confined air of her apartment.

She lived in a curious apartment. It was one of those that looked like those outdoor motels. Where you didn't have interior hallways or and interior lobby. Everybody's unit simply had a door facing directly to the outside. Cameron liked this about the place. It made him feel like they were at the motel they had stayed when visited

Disney World

. And she could tell that this memory was one of his happiest.

But her environment embarrassed her. She could never have anybody from her life over.  There was one old man who lived in this building but besides for him. and her everybody else was still so young. They had their lives ahead of them. Not weighed down by baggage.

This reminded her. The bag that that man had left with her. It was intended for a young man on her floor. She decided that now was good as any of a time to bring the bag to him. It surprised her again how heavy the bag was. She thought about looking inside but she cast the thought out just as fast. "I am a good neighbor."

She went over and knocked on the door. She couldn't tell if someone was inside or not just by the lighting as it was still daytime. But there was a decent chance the young man was not at home. The blinds were drawn and he usually kept them open during the day when he was there. She knocked again on the door and waited for a moment before deciding that he was not home. She returned to her unit and threw the bag on her bed. She would have to begin cooking soon. Cameron would be home soon. But she felt so heavy. Her eyelids were closing in on her. She would just rest her eyes. For a moment.