Here's a thought that just crossed my mind today while taking almost one hour to respond, in two rather short paragraphs to my ex girlfriend. I wrote a reply than erased everything and wrote it all over again, completely different from what I have initially wrote. Without getting too much into details about what the subject, I'll just say that detaching, profoundly from someone takes some practice. This detachment from the person, can only happen in interacting with that person. This is why I think it's important, and healthy to talk, or maintain a relationship of sorts with someone you loved but broke up with.
There's so much automatic responses and behaviours that they fire up instantly and it's almost impossible to see the other person trough the prism of the new relationship (of distant friendship maybe or just acquaintances). What one has to do is disentangle emotionally from that person and see it as someone entirely new, beyond preconceived ideas, and without expectations.
Not easy. Had to do this today.
There's so much automatic responses and behaviours that they fire up instantly and it's almost impossible to see the other person trough the prism of the new relationship (of distant friendship maybe or just acquaintances). What one has to do is disentangle emotionally from that person and see it as someone entirely new, beyond preconceived ideas, and without expectations.
Not easy. Had to do this today.
Interesting. Was not expecting this. Would love to read more you unpacking this idea.
I'm guessing it's related to:
> What one has to do is disentangle emotionally from that person and see it as someone entirely new, beyond preconceived ideas, and without expectations.
This reminds me of your recent post about abstract concepts. In this case it sounds like you must redefine abstract concepts that are associated with this person that became so ingrained during the relationship that they now haunt you until today.
Indeed my friend, i wouldn't say 'abstract concepts' but rather theories that one inevitably develops about the person he is in love with. We do this all the time, even with people that we're not in love with but more so with a lover. It's a form of objectification, where the mind takes in a shared experience with that person, tries to understand it's world reference system (Perspectives) and parses all new information trough nthis new perspective, that gets updated regularly but, is not the real person. I believe making inferences, and predictions about someone's behavior (as specially a loved one) creates a distorted situation. A bit like a blind spot where you can't really connect with the other or allow him/her to flourish.
Anyway,... That takes some mental leanness in one's own mind in the first place.
Anyway, what I'm talking about now happens between kids and parents, lovers, coworkers and bosses and employees and everywhere.
But it's most obvious in a romantic relationship.
Now, here's the thing, i know it but the other day i caught myself relating on the wrong premises with my ex yesterday while answering her email. I was actually giving a few fucks too many as if i should.
the objectification of all others comes from first objectification of ourselves that requires others to support the narrative.
as in if i objectify myself as a gangster i must require fellow gangsters to ride with, which requires objectification of them. I must require being strapped and doing drugs, which is objectification, objectification, objectification and more