It was too cold outside so after swinging on the set shivering for awhile they returned to the car and blasted the heater.
"Do you think we have a chance?" Alan asked.
"What do you mean? Like with Imogen?"
"No. I meant like we as Americans," Alan said. Now thinking about Imogen until returning to his main point. "We've always been told that kids in
India
and
China
are like studying day in and out. Do you think we have a chance as the economy globalizes more?"
"You mean given that we learned math using textbooks from the 80s?" Jack grinned.
"Yeah. Exactly."
But then Alan realized this was a stupid question. "You've already made it so I guess you don't think about this."
Jack took out a cigarette and lit it using the handheld lighter rather than using the car's this time.
"I'm not going to do that anymore actually."
This made Alan a bit cheery. And intrigued.
"What do you mean? You must be making a killing no?"
"The money is insane. But I can't do that any longer. I don't even want money anymore now that I have so much of it. Kind of just want a regular life. Nine to Five. Drive a subaru or a toyota. Taking the dog on a walk. Washing dishes."
"Why would you want that?"
Jack looked at Alan like an alien for a moment. Then handed him the cigarette.
Alan took the cigarette. "Aren't those all the things," he took a puff then exhaled while squinting, "that people are trying to get out of doing? Don't they want to make it big like you?"
"Yeah I was there once. But trust me. When you're on the other side it's not any better. It's lonely."
"You must have so many people wanting to hang out with you though. How can you be lonely?"
"Nobody reached out to me in years."
Alan paused. He hadn't ever texted or called.
"This is not to say that nobody was bugging me," Jack said with a grin, hand asking for the cig again. "People would be blowing up my phone and then my assistant's phone later all the time. They always wanted something though. Never reaching out to me as a human."
"Oh. Shit."
"Yeah. Shite."
"Is that why--" Alan looked at him. Then stared out the windshield. The stars were out. "is that why you came back?"
"Part of it. but I never planned to come here. I was just running away. No plan really. Ended up here is all."
"I'm a little bit in the same boat to be honest."
"Oh yeah?"
"I mean I'm not successful or anything. I can't even find a job. But I'm definitely in town still because I'm running from something."
Jack handed him the cig back.
"I have no clue how to find a job. I mean I can get any job i guess if a job was a job. But I'm dead scared of being a college grad working at Jimmy John's or something. I'm supposed to get a real job you know? And so being back here. Gives me some sort of comfort."
Alan took a drag off the cig. The heat approached his fingers. He was overdue for clipping his nails.
"And I think that's probably why I'm crushing on
Imogen Howe
so much."
"I mean. She's cute."
"Beyond that though. She's like living a quote unquote normal life. Not working as a consultant or something. She's just running a cafe. In some small town. That makes me feel..."
"Empowered?"
"Yeah! Empowered."
"It's pretty cool yeah i'll give her that."
"But I don't know how to apply that to my own god damn life."
Jack didn't reach out for the cig. Alan took the final drag and then put it out against the car's foldout ash tray.
"If only I had one more year or something. I feel like I could figure something out. But It's too late. I was already a fifth year senior."