Songs used to spontaneously play inside my head. I might see something and suddenly hear a tune. Occasionally this tune would strike me so much that my entire day changed.
On this particular day I heard a
Broken Social Scene
song while walking to the cafe. A chill, distorted girl repeated 'used to be one of the' followed by imperceivable words over and over. I became filled with feelings of a decade past.
I used to listen to the song, actually, physically using my
iPod
rather than imagining, countless times during the summer I turned 18. Growing up, my birthday fell at the edge of the school year. I considered myself lucky for not having a birthday in the middle of summer. I wasn't a loser, but I certainly wasn't popular enough to feel confident inviting my classmates to my birthday party without the daily physical presence that the classroom provided. Handing over an invitation enclosed within an envelope between class just was so much easier.
Seniors graduated a month before the usual end of the year. This knocked my 18th birthday out of the school year, into the summer. By this time I didn't care so much about popularity and having a party. This summer didn't feel attached to my high school. I couldn't notice this detachment until the day after our senior all-night party.
The school bus dropped us off at the football stadium at around 7:30 in the morning. I thought I'd fall asleep as soon as I got home given that I'd been up all night, but once I was there I felt restless. Suddenly I felt like I missed everybody from my senior class so incredibly much. Suddenly I realized the feeling I had had back when the bus dropped us off. A feeling of loss. I was no longer in high school. I was no longer classmates with everybody. The glue that had connected us together for years had no disappeared. Summer was no longer about high school and the people in it. This summer was about me. The day after, I turned 18.
I remember clearly that loss of proximity as well. Was a weird thing, something you didn't really grasp until right when that chasm was drawn and you found yourself on the other side of it.
Not saying one way or another whether it was a taller hill on the other side or anything else, but that feeling is captured really well here, especially as someone who didn't as much lean into the social aspects of high school.
It's interesting to read about how you lived that moment of your life. The feeling of connectedness with the class is something so real and so supportive, I remember how we celebrated each other in the last year of high school remembering also going trough a bit of nostalgia due to the inevitable separation. Maybe an important lesson to learn when you're 18...
i prided myself on floating i think. dumb source of pride in retrospect. but i think i haven't shaken that sense from my core, in truth. it just morphs and matures into odd shapes and sizes, doesn't it
unless you really take yourself seriously and look to change those tendencies and natures like a real gardener
Not saying one way or another whether it was a taller hill on the other side or anything else, but that feeling is captured really well here, especially as someone who didn't as much lean into the social aspects of high school.
unless you really take yourself seriously and look to change those tendencies and natures like a real gardener