Return of the malingerers

Nowadays you have to qualify every cough, sneeze, and sniffle with the phrase "I don't have COVID." Unless you have COVID, in which case why are you around people??

My client is slowly bringing employees back into the office. The CEO stated in an all-staff meeting that anyone who is feeling sick or has symptoms of COVID or flu or even a cold should not come into the office. She made this declaration as if it were brand new. Shouldn't this have always been the rule? Why would people go to work if they're sick anyway? 

My theory is that companies did this to themselves when they eliminated separate leave banks for vacation and illness. Time off used to be tracked separately, and you could take sick leave without losing vacation time. When companies combined all leave to one bank of hours called Paid Time Off (PTO), they created a zero-sum game for employees. Every sick day you take is one fewer day you can use for a vacation to some overpriced destination that sure seemed a lot more fun when you were a kid.

So people don't want to waste PTO even if they aren't feeling well. They'll get paid the same even if they half-ass it that day. They are saving that PTO for a day when they still feel shitty from terrible sleep and eating fast food, but at least they don't have the sniffles. 

If I am in the office sitting in the next cubicle, I have no choice but to be exposed to someone's potentially contagious malady. If you sneeze once, I'll give you that one. Everyone can sneeze once for a variety of reasons. You pulled out a booger and triggered it. Someone is wearing a perfume that smells like cat piss. The A/C system turned on, and the vent blows directly on your desk. One sneeze. No big deal. 

Two sneezes, one after the other, and now my eyebrows raise. Time is a factor here. If someone sneezes once and sneezes again ten minutes later, each one is counted as an isolated event. If two sneezes occur within ten seconds of each other, I classify that as a two-sneeze event. Two sneezes are a warning sign and should be monitored closely. 

Three sneezes in rapid succession mean it's time to head for the hills. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200. Either the person is sick or there is something in the air. Either way, time to get out of dodge. You don't have time to wait for the answer.

By the way, the most common response someone gives is "Oh it's my allergies." What is it with people and their allergies? What are we doing to the environment or what are they doing to their immune systems to cause all of these allergic reactions? Some of these symptoms may be related to allergies, but I think that response is an easy cop-out because allergies are not contagious. Actually, it used to be a great cop-out, but managers are not playing around now. They hear that third sneeze and they'll send you home faster than a probation officer violates a convicted felon's parole after catching him smoking meth.

I've always liked the word malinger because of the specific act it describes--pretending to be sick to get out of work. I think malingerers are going to make a comeback, not necessarily to get out of work but to get out of going into the office. Managers will get emails or text messages with bulleted lists of symptoms lifted directly from the CDC's website. Yep, sounds like you need to get tested and STAY HOME.